30 Years of Not Being Published

A few will be aware I have been known to speak on various subjects over the years. Fundamentally these all revolve around my favourite subject of etymology. Have always enjoyed bringing this fascinating subject to others. It’s not for me to say whether the audiences have, although many have asked me to return.

Thought it might be worthwhile sharing a snippet or two from these etymological presentations, continuing with 30 Years of Not Being Published. In over three decades more than ninety published works have appeared on the shelves. This talk is not as negative as it may first seem. During this period I have amassed a vast number of rejection letters, but still managed to average three books a year and more than one article each and every week. Listen to the experiences, the mistakes, the ideas, the tips and advice on how all writers have something to learn and also to contribute to the literary world. There is a PowerPoint presentation to accompany this talk if required.

When it comes to finding a publisher, possibly the best piece of advice I have is simply to find a published book that is as close to yours as possible, then pitch it to that publisher. The reason? Because an editorial department have the job of producing something new, but sales teams want what is selling .

Interesting verbs are seldom very interesting. — Says Jonathan Franzen, who fails to remember ‘very’ is a word which Oscar Wilde advised writers to edit out and replaced with ‘damned’ as the publisher will then cross out every example and thus make the ideal manuscript.

“Write what you know about” – Brilliant advice. Except for the advice on how to check every fact, research every snippet, and all the rest of the baloney. And there’s also the fact that people (yes even writers) are sometimes mistaken and what they “KNOW” is incorrect. If not, nobody would ever get divorced, have unwanted pregnancies, jobs they can’t do, or ever make a mistake. As a little pointer to how stupid this advice is, do some research into all these HOW TO books for writers and look at how many books they’ve had published previously – you’ll be amazed at how often it is their FIRST and perhaps even ONLY book .

If you think you know someone who would like to hear me speak on this subject, drop me a line.

Old Wives Tales

A few will be aware I have been known to speak on various subjects over the years. Fundamentally these all revolve around my favourite subject of etymology. Have always enjoyed bringing this fascinating subject to others. It’s not for me to say whether the audiences have, although many have asked me to return.

Thought it might be worthwhile sharing a snippet or two from these etymological presentations, continuing with Old Wives Tales. I can't tell you who the old wife was or why she had so many strange ideas, but I can tell you a whole host of ideas which until quite recently were considered all part of life's lessons. There are also those which, with the best will in the world, will dumbfound as to why anyone would ever find these 'truths' credible. There is a PowerPoint presentation to accompany this talk if required.

Walking under a ladder. The most obvious reason is in case someone up the ladder drops something on you. Yet the most oft repeated story comes from the medieval idea of the triangle formed by the ladder, wall and floor was seen as representative of the Holy Trinity and to walk through was to break it.

Opening an umbrella inside is a major taboo and another which is among the most often quoted. Of course it is utter gibberish and, statistically speaking, there is no evidence to suggest opening an umbrella indoors has brought about any more woes than opening it outside or never even owning one. Prior to researching this myth the author assumed it to be a modern idea, simply because the umbrella was a modern invention. Yet there are images from the ancient city of Nineveh, which dates from as far back as 6000BC, depicting same. In truth the earliest umbrellas were actually parasols, designed to shade from the sun, and would never close nor would they ever prove particularly useful if used to create a personal and portable rain shelter. Opening umbrellas date from the nineteenth century, the earliest being much larger than today as they were designed to cover a man, his wife and their children. Houses were also much smaller in those days and opening the umbrella indoors was probably considered bad as doing so would be almost certain to break something. Thus for most of its existence it has not been unlucky to open an umbrella indoors, it has been impossible.

Placing a hat on a bed is unacceptable and sure to bring misfortune. Certain to bring bad luck it seems but the origin of this idea is not certain at all, there being many ideas as to why. The most obvious is probably because it is disrespectful to wear a hat indoors and nobody would wear a hat in bed. There is also the idea that a hat is normally not the cleanest item worn, it costs to have a hat cleaned properly, and thus could harbour pests and particularly lice. Those pests are not what would be welcome in a bed.

If you think you know someone who would like to hear me speak on this subject, drop me a line.

Clothing

A few will be aware I have been known to speak on various subjects over the years. Fundamentally these all revolve around my favourite subject of etymology. Have always enjoyed bringing this fascinating subject to others. It’s not for me to say whether the audiences have, although many have asked me to return.

Thought it might be worthwhile sharing a snippet or two from these etymological presentations, continuing with Clothing. Trousers or Dress, Blouse or Shirt, just where do these names come from? Never mind who created the style, who created the original and thus the name? Find out the answers to these and other questions, including why we have a pair of trousers when there is clearly only one garment, and take a tour from ancient attire to what the modern model is wearing. There is a PowerPoint presentation to accompany this talk if required.

Pocket – etymologically you can actually hear this is a pock-ette, ie a small pock. Exactly what it means and, as a simplistic term, is very old. Can’t be traced earlier than Proto-Germanic (only about 4,000 years ago) puk means ‘bag’. Note the word ‘poke’ had the same meaning in Old English, hence a ‘pig in a poke’ means you should expect to find a porker in a bag but unlikely and therefore you won’t find what you expect in the bag. Using ‘poke’ to mean ‘nudge, jab, etc’., only dates from around 1750. Also, if I haven’t killed off all interest in pokes and pockets think about the rhyme beginning Lucy Locket lost her pocket – how do you lose a pocket, it’s stitched into the garment? Well not always, for most of history it was a separate item. Which is why women still carry bags and men have pockets in their clothes.

Girdle – since the 8th century, from a Germanic word meaning ‘to gird’ and ultimately from Proto-Indo-European ghr-dh ‘to grasp’.

Breeches – seen since around 1200, this is an odd double plural. Here Old English brec meant ‘breeches’ before it was pluralised, for brec was already the plural form of broc meaning ‘garment for the legs and trunk’. Now originally the garment was one sided, thus when pluralised it referred to both legs which, with the upper part, crossed over and were tied together to form a single item but clearly plural. That the item was intended to be worn in two halves is likely the reason for it coming from Proto-Indo-European bhreg or ‘break’.

Apron – one of a number of words, adder and umpire are others, which began as ‘a napron’, and continued to be used until the 16th century, but through a process known as ‘faulty separation’ became ‘an apron’. Coming to English from Old French naperon ‘small table cloth’ and ultimately from the Latin mappa ‘napkin’ and further back still to ‘matting’.

If you think you know someone who would like to hear me speak on this subject, drop me a line.

Beer Names

A few will be aware I have been known to speak on various subjects over the years. Fundamentally these all revolve around my favourite subject of etymology. Have always enjoyed bringing this fascinating subject to others. It’s not for me to say whether the audiences have, although many have asked me to return.

Thought it might be worthwhile sharing a snippet or two from these etymological presentations, continuing with Beer Names. Hobgoblin, Doombar, Jail, and many, many others. These real ales are today the lifeblood of the modern pub. Many a smile is raised by the wonderful names and yet do we have any idea where these come from? Book the talk and you'll soon be an expert!

Bowland Breweries gave me four of their choices: Bowland Gold – simply refers to the colour; Buster IPA – is named after the owner’s dog; Hen Harrier – is a local bird; Pheasant Plucker – a well-known tongue twister.

Chiltern Brewery offered John Hampden’s Golden Harvest Ale – named after the Civil War leader who lived in Aylesbury. Launched officially by the Earl of Buckinghamshire, a direct descendant of John Hampden, it was brewed to mark the company’s 15th anniversary.

Bowman Ales: At the brewery they thought it would be nice to follow a bowman and/or archery theme and thought about using ‘Swift One’ not only an archery thing but also popping down to the local for a swift one. The brewery is in the Meon Valley and this is named after the River Meon, a British river name meaning ‘swift one’ – if only they’d known!

Ringwood: Boondoggle – is a local term meaning ‘to go on a jolly’.

Theakstons Old Peculier – named after the Ecclesiastical status of Masham, a distinction granted in medieval times.

If you think you know someone who would like to hear me speak on this subject, drop me a line.

A to Z of Words You Will Never Hear Again

A few will be aware I have been known to speak on various subjects over the years. Fundamentally these all revolve around my favourite subject of etymology. Have always enjoyed bringing this fascinating subject to others. It’s not for me to say whether the audiences have, although many have asked me to return.

Thought it might be worthwhile sharing a snippet or two from these etymological presentations, continuing with A to Z of Words You Will Never Hear Again. With over a million words in the full version of the Oxford English Dictionary and more being added all the time, you would think there are many we never use or ever even hear. You would be right but I wonder if you know how right? Of those million words the average person uses perhaps 20,000 when writing and only about 5,000 in everyday speech. So what happened to the others? Well here are a selection and these are not even among the more obscure. There is a PowerPoint presentation to accompany this talk if required.

Azygous - generally only used in an organic sense where the meaning is 'single, not existing in pairs'. It is taken from the Greek azugos meaning ‘unmarried’ and takes a ‘without’ and zygon ‘yoke’ ie that used to tether two draught animals together.

Adnyamathanhan, although we have no tips on how to bring this native language of southern Australia into general conversation.

C is for celeripedean, surely one of the easiest words in this list to use as it simply means ‘fleet of foot’. Parts of the body are always good to learn, but how many of you will have heard of the coracoid, while few will know it is a short projection from the shoulder blade which has no useful function today. To complete the threesome of easy-to-use words beginning with C, the easiest of all to fit in – at least for him. So when she asks “Does my ass look big in this?”, the reply should be “You are positively callipygian” which refers to ‘a person with a shapely ass”.

V is for verjuice, a less useful word than in times past as it describes the acidic juice of crab apples. Of far more use if verbivore, particularly for those reading this, as it means ‘someone who devours words’, and also vesthibitionism, describing a woman who delights in showing off her undergarments.

Z is for znees - a synonym for 'frost'. And despite it being known in several places there seems to be no clear etymology.

If you think you know someone who would like to hear me speak on this subject, drop me a line.

Stupid Moments in History

A few will be aware I have been known to speak on various subjects over the years. Fundamentally these all revolve around my favourite subject of etymology. Have always enjoyed bringing this fascinating subject to others. It’s not for me to say whether the audiences have, although many have asked me to return.

Thought it might be worthwhile sharing a snippet or two from these etymological presentations, continuing with Stupid Moments in History. Everyone knows of the error which resulted in the deaths of many troops at the Charge of the Light Brigade, but this is by no means the only error nor does it come close to the biggest error in history. Hear how history has recorded some of the dopiest decisions, some of which can hardly have seemed the brightest idea at the time. There is a PowerPoint presentation to accompany this talk if required.

Little Big Horn - In 1876, US Lieutenant Colonel George Custer led the 647 men of the 7th Cavalry Regiment against an alliance of Sioux, Cheyenne and other tribes camped on the Little Big Horn River. Custer decided to launch an attack from several different directions to catch the tribesmen by surprise, disorient them, and stop them forming up properly. In fact the tribes knew Custer was approaching and were waiting. The attack was launched at midday. Custer's detachment of 210 men was first isolated, then overwhelmed. The detachments led by Major Reno and Captain Benteen were forced back but managed to link up on a defensive position where they held out for the next 24 hours until relieved. By dividing his force, Custer lost both his life and the battle.

Kruschev Threatens the West… or Does He? - In 1956, with Cold War tensions high, Soviet Premier Nikita Khruschev told a group of Western diplomats ”We will bury you.” The West took it as a threat, and it stoked the fires of fear and tension between communist Russia and the capitalist West. But Khruschev didn’t really mean it as a threat. He was using a common Russian saying “Мы вас похороним!”, which is better translated as “We shall be present at your funeral” and understood as simply “We shall outlive you” and could hardly been seen as much of a threat. In another speech in 1963, Khruschev clarified ”Of course we will not bury you with a shovel. Your own working class will bury you” but the damage was done.

The treaty between Italy and Ethiopia in 1889 was mistranslated. The Italian version gave the Italians the rank of protectors and made Ethiopia a protectorate, the Amhara version did no such thing. Within seven years the two countries were at war.

In July 1977 the New York Con Edison building was hit by lightning. To restore power the operator had to reset switches in a row. The twerp somehow missed one switch and blew the whole system for 25 hours. With a heatwave and the lack of light, New York City descended into chaos with looting, vandalism and arson resulting in an estimated $300 million in damage.

If you think you know someone who would like to hear me speak on this subject, drop me a line.

Forgotten Holidays

A few will be aware I have been known to speak on various subjects over the years. Fundamentally these all revolve around my favourite subject of etymology. Have always enjoyed bringing this fascinating subject to others. It’s not for me to say whether the audiences have, although many have asked me to return.

Thought it might be worthwhile sharing a snippet or two from these etymological presentations, continuing with Forgotten Holidays. Once upon a time the Christian calendar dominated the celebrations. Not that everyone had a day off work but you'll be amazed at the many days we no longer celebrate and the reasons they were created in the first place.

Examples include Royal Oak Day – May 29th - This is the date of birth of Charles II and chosen as a holiday to commemorate the Restoration of the Monarchy in 1660. Its name refers to the events of 1649, when Charles II escaped from the site of his defeat at the Battle of Worcester. He fled to Boscobel House at Shifnal in Shropshire where, aided by the Peverell brothers, he and his aide Colonel Carless hid in the branches of a huge oak tree – the famed Boscobel Oak – until the Parliamentarians had gone. This was the start of an arduous and circuitous six-month long trek around England disguised as a woodsman – his hair cut short and skin stained to appear as if he was used to working out of doors – until escaping to the Continent. This is the reason for the many public houses named the Royal Oak – indeed this is the second most common name in the country. Ten years later, at the restoration, he returned in triumph and thereafter the date of May 29th was Oak Apple Day and a national holiday until 1859. Those who would like to see this day reinstated may like to think again, especially if they are still at school. On this day children would be expected to adorn themselves with garlands of oak leaves. Not to do so was seen as being anti-Royalist (back to Cromwell again!) and these children would be thrashed by their peers, thrashed using bunches of nettles and/or pelted with birds eggs. Hence the alternative name of Oak and Nettle Day. Other names include Arbour Tree Day and Shick Shack Day or, in Sussex where the locals use any excuse to grope the neighbours, Pinch-bum Day and in Essex Bumping Day. Other celebrations are still staged annually, most of which use flowers to spruce things up a bit: Castleton, Derbyshire has the Garland King riding through the streets disguised by a huge garland of flowers later hung high on the church spire; other celebrations held at Upton-upon-Severn (Shropshire); Aston on Clun (Shropshire); Marsh Gibbon (Buckinghamshire); Great Wishford (Wiltshire); Membury (Devon); and Moseley Old Hall (West Midlands); Fownhope (Herefordshire); Northampton (Northamptonshire); Oxford (Oxfordshire); Cambridge (Cambridgeshire); St Neot (Cornwall) where the vicar leads a procession through the village to remove last year’s oak branch from the church tower and replaced by a new, this the job of the Tower Captain, and everyone heads off to the vicarage gardens for a barbecue – in the morning villagers wear a sprig of red oak and in the afternoon a sprig of Boys Love (Artemisia arbotanum).

February 29th - Celebrated every four years because this is Leap Year Day. Those born on this date generally celebrate their birth on February 28th slightly more often than March 1st, although the split is close to 50/50. However legally those in the UK have March 1st, whilst New Zealanders and Taiwanese can move it forward to February 28th. The only thing I knew about February 29th was it was when women can propose marriage to men, although I was not aware that a refusal means he is obliged to give her money or buy her a dress (but I shall never tell). In Europe the noble males, having spurned her advances, must purchase 12 pairs of gloves for her and thus hide the fact she isn’t wearing an engagement ring. In Aurora, Illinois single women are deputized for the day and allowed to arrest single men and levy a four-dollar fine. Oddly Greeks consider marriage on February 29th to be very unlucky (as unlucky as every other day some would think).

If you think you know someone who would like to hear me speak on this subject, drop me a line.